I have just one question. Mr Prime Minister, what you say must carry weight. You said ‘na khaoonga, na khane doonga‘. What happened to that? Said Rahul Gandhi version 2.0.
Good, little more weight on the Hindi Phrase.
Okay, I’ll try once again. Ahem ahem…Rahul Gandhi version 2.0spat out the phlegm with force.
I have just one question. Mr Prime Minister, what you say must carry weight. You said NA KHAOONGA, NA KHAANE DOONGA. What happened to that? Said Rahul Gandhi version 2.0.
“Aah! NOOO…that’s not what I said. Adding weight doesn’t mean shouting. What are you a nutcase or something?” The Secret Guru shouted.
Tears filmed on Rahul Gandhi version 2.0’s beautiful eyes. His cheeks gathered a hint of red. His nostrils flared and a lump formed in his throat. He started sobbing.
This was enough for Jairam Ramesh. He burst out crying. “Please don’t shout at Rahul Baba”. He took his specs off and wiped it with the edge of his Kurta. “No one shouts at Rahul Baba. We have been coaching him since long. I taught him economics, Diggy Raja taught him foreign affairs, Kamalnath taught him literature, Aiyar taught him Political science and Manish Tewari taught him communication skills. But we never shouted at him, you old fool. How dare you shout at Rahul Baba? How dare you?
The Old Guru was not amused. He signalled his sentries who lugged Ramesh out of the chamber forcibly. Rahul Gandhi version 2.0 was alarmed. It was his third stint at the Old Guru’s coaching institute. He first came here when he went missing for 52 days straight. Old Guru purged Rahul Gandhi version 2.0’s fears of facing the public. He transformed his funny bones into sombre muscles. Rahul Gandhi owed his second version to this weird, clandestine guru of his.
“So do you understand what I was saying? MORE STRESS ON THE HINDI PHRASE.” Shouted the Guru. His baritone reverberated in the empty chamber.
Yes yes, I understand. Let me try once again. Said Rahul Gandhi version 2.0 fretfully.
I have just one question. Mr Prime Minister, what you say must carry weight. You said Na Khaoonga, Na Khane Doonga‘. What happened to that? Said Rahul Gandhi version 2.0 and stretched his palms out. He knew the Guru wasn’t fond of failed attempts. Last time He received 112 whips on his pink palms.
Strangely, he got a pat on his shoulders. Let us break for a sutta. Said the Guru.
Rahul Gandhi version 2.0 was relieved. The secret Guru lit his favourite Wills Navy Cut and started blowing smoke rings.
“You know you were my favourite show on TV” Said the Guru as he blew out a Palm Symbol from his mouth.
“Show? But I am a man” retorted Rahul Gandhi version 2.0 cutely.
“Yeah Yeah, I know you are a big man and all that but your speeches, rallies and press appearances used to be my favourite. You know my doctor recommended me to watch all your videos on Youtube. You know excessive laughter is very good for bowel movements. I cured your stupidity and you cured my constipation. Ha Ha Ha” Said the Guru.
Rahul Gandhi version 2.0 smiled naively. He looked at the cigarette eagerly. The Guru was very bad at sharing his smoke and he never allowed him to light his own. To his relief the Guru passed the sutta right at that moment. The rest of the break time passed in silence.
Okay time for a quick revision. Let us revise everything that we learned. Said the Guru with an emotionless visage. Rahul Gandhi version 2.0 fidgeted nervously.
Who are you?
I am the messiah of the farmers of India.
Good. Who is the biggest foe of the farmers?
Modi, he is a corporate friendly guy. He’ll kill all the farmers.
Very good. So what do you suggest?
I want the Land Acquisition Bill to be reverted to Congress’s Peasant Friendly version of it.
Excellent. And repeat your punchlines.
Okay, Kahan hain acche Din? Corporates kaa saath, yahi hai Man ki Baat? Kuch Dino ke liye PM sahib INDIA aaye hain to koi kaam kar lein, na khaoonga, na khane doonga‘ka kya hua?
Awesome. You are now ready for the next round. Just stay away from these flatterers.
“Guru ji, I have one more punchline for the next rally. Shall I tell you?” Said a beaming Rahul Gandhi version 2.0.
Yes my child, go ahead.
“Brothers and Sisters, Keep watching my videos on YouTube. You’ll never suffer from constipation. You’ll always sleep with a clear stomach. How is this?”
SENTRY, GET MY CANE NOW. Shouted the Guru. His baritone reverberated in the empty chamber.