All it took was a report from The News Minute to set the social media ablaze. The News Minute inadvertently has insiders in every corporation, political party and media houses for exclusive stories. And the exclusive story this time was big – ARNAB GOSWAMI QUITS TIMES NOW.
I must say that I wept silently. Arnab the symbol of Journalistic machismo quit his den. What will he do now? Blogs churned theories and reports one after the other. Some said that he’ll join Zee. Some said that he will be joining Adani who in turn will join the Indian Mainstream Media mayhem. Some said that Arnab Goswami quit to join CNN-IBN.
But none of these reports have credibility, of course because there is no confirmation from either Arnab or Times Now. When I tuned into The News Hour with a heavy heart I saw Arnab Goswami with that ridiculous hairstyle of his shutting Gaurav Bhatia nonchalantly.
The first thought that hit my mind was “Nice debate on Times Now, One must say Arnab Goswami is serving notice period with grace”. Is he really quitting?
I thought of confirming this ‘social media viral story’ with my friends in the real media. So I called Ravish Kumar, often called Hindi speaking, leftist, sarcastic, calmer (and clearly very casteist) version of Arnab Goswami. I know this intro makes no sense because every frigging thing about Ravish Kumar is the polar opposite of Arnab’s but hey everyone needs an intro.
AKM: Hello Ravish jee, kya Jaat hai?
Ravish Kumar: Kya nahi Mishra Jee, Kaun Jaat hai?
AKM: Ravish Jee can we switch to English for the sake of TFI Wallahs?
Ravish Kumar: Sure mate, I don’t mind.
AKM: So is Arnab Goswami really quitting Times Now?
Ravish: Yes
AKM: Oh! No…And what do you think about this?
Ravish: See Mishra Jee, you are a Brahmin and so is Arnab Goswami, so your frustration is obvious.
AKM: But isn’t Barkha Dutt a Brahmin too? Remember Justice Katju’s post? And what about Rajdeep Sardesai, he is a Brahmin as well. So are you against them too?
Ravish: The Good and Bad theory holds true for everything, So to answer your question, no I respect the good Brahmins like Dutt and Sardesai and those in the CPIM Anti-Brahmin Politburo but I hate the bad ones like Goswami.
AKM: You are incorrigible. Anyways, come to the point. What do you think about Arnab Goswami quitting Times Now?
Ravish Kumar: AAJ KE ANCHORS CHILLANE LAGE THHE, YE ANDHERA HI IS YUG KE TV KI SACCHI TASVEER THI…ACCHA HUA KI ARNABWA CHALA GAYA
AKM: And how will this affect the Media?
Ravish Kumar: Bhaad me Gaya Media, I’ll be the uncrowned Prime time King again.
Unsatisfied with Ravish’s answers, I called up Barkha Dutt, often called the most unbiased and patriotic journalist of India.
Barkha Dutt – Hi AKM, you must be heartbroken?
AKM: I am, I admit, but your reactions please.
Barkha Dutt – It’s good. He called me names. He made such ridiculous faces at me. He didn’t join our intolerance march. His fans call me Lady Govinda, though I am a huge Chi-Chi fan. And he ate all our TRP. Arnab Goswami quitting Times Now is the best news of this year.
Barkha Dutt minced no words; I called up Rajdeep Sardesai next. Of course, no reportage is complete unless Sardesai punches it.
AKM: Hello Boxer
Rajdeep: Hello Bhakt
AKM: So Rajdeep Ji, What do you think about Arnab Goswami quitting Times Now?
Rajdeep: It’s good. Before this Arnab became a sensation, I used to be the Journalist with the X factor. I was the cool dude of TV. I broke so many stories. I made Congress what it is. I made AAP what it is. I shielded every crime of the Left Parties. I started the Intolerance story in Media. I punched the Modi Bhakts in America. I abused unsuspecting twitter users in their inboxes. I blocked every single bhakt on twitter. I attacked Modi. I made Maharashtra CM respond to my Open letter. I…
AKM: Hold on…13 I’s already. What do you think about Arnab Goswami quitting Times Now?
Rajdeep: Oh! Alright. Got carried away. Let me add the 14th I and then I’ll answer the question. I wrote that famous book. Yeah! Arnab Goswami quitting Times Now is a relief. Basically it will bring sanity back in mainstream discourse. Indian media is supposed to be left. Right Wingers do not speak in English and he spoke and shouted in fine English. That was a deviation from the set norms. I see it as restoration of order. And I don’t wish him all the best, because I wished Modi all the best before that awful day in 2014. I am afraid he might return in a bigger and meaner avatar.
AKM: Thank you sir.
So that my friends, is the story till now, we’ll keep you updated with more.
And of course this is a satire, in case you forgot to check the Article category.
