DISCLAIMER: – [The views expressed by the author are explicitly related to Kuch Kuch Hota Hai and its 20 year anniversary party. The author quite intentionally wishes to offend the sentiments of the folks who blindly follow superstars without counting the flaws that are detrimental to their own progress. Nothing is fictional, if there is anything, it is purely coincidental. Neither the author nor his words aim to talk sweet. Let’s begin!]
Shah Rukh Khan – Love him or hate him, you cannot ignore him. This actor is as much celebrated for his ‘charisma’ in romantic roles as much he is hated for choosing mediocre projects of late. Adding to this aura, there comes in the news that one of his most well received films, ‘Kuch Kuch Hota Hai’, has completed the 20 year anniversary of its release. The makers, as well as the characters associated with the film have even announced a grand celebration on the occasion of this ‘miraculous’ anniversary.
No wonder this news caught the attention of our ultra-secular and pro-nationalist film reviewer, Gurmeet Shankar Khan, who was left aghast upon hearing the news and broke his Navratri fast quite unceremoniously. Through his well-known contacts in the media, our tfipost.com journalist finally managed to trace Gurmeet Bhai to the iconic Banarasi Tea Stall, where he was slurping the iconic tea while simultaneously chomping on spicy samosas, blissfully unaware of the anniversary party planned by the team of the movie.
In a long interview with him, our journalist got to know why celebrating trash like Kuch Kuch Hota Hai is one of the prominent reasons why nobody takes Bollywood seriously.
rightlog(RL) Journalist [extending his hand]: Hey Gurmeet Bhai! Long time man, haven’t seen your articles for a while. Have you quit TFI?
Gurmeet Bhai [with a frown]: Topa hai kaa? [Are you nuts]? TFI (The Frustrated Indian) is the best pal I’ve ever known. They’re my oxygen for life, and you claim that I’ve quit working with them. Don’t spoil my mood right now. (signaling to the stall owner) Guru, get me some samosas, and two for this chap as well. Dare you forget the chutney!
RL Journalist: Thanks for that. How’s life?
Gurmeet Bhai: Almost sorted, I guess. Back to reviewing films again. Good to see that Bollywood is improving now. Never expected they could come up with movies as good as Andhadhun and Stree.
RL Journalist: Nice, do you know that Kuch Kuch Hota Hai has completed the 20 year anniversary of its release?
Gurmeet Bhai: Yeah so? Should I dance? Or recommend Karan Johar for Bharat Ratna? Every movie is bound to complete a 20 year anniversary of its release on some unfortunate day, what else is new in this?
RL Journalist: Dharma Productions has announced a grand celebration to mark the 20 year anniversary of its release. The entire star cast has come together to celebrate this auspicious occasion.
Gurmeet Bhai [almost spitting his tea out]: Celebrate what? They are going to celebrate the 20 year anniversary of that film’s release?
RL Journalist: Yes, what is the problem?
Gurmeet Bhai [in total disgust]: Problem? Problem is that it is Bollywood, what else is the problem? Problem is that I don’t want any problem, but if I don’t have any problem, then it becomes Bollywood’s biggest problem.
RL Journalist: Why?
Gurmeet Bhai: Don’t interrupt, okay? How can we celebrate the 20 year anniversary of a film that has humiliated the entire existence of Bollywood and molested common sense and logic together for the very same time period?
RL Journalist: Gurmeet Bhai, come on, Kuch Kuch Hota Hai is not that bad. It is one of the best romantic movies of Bollywood.
Gurmeet Bhai: Romantic, my foot! I swear on Allah, Wahe Guru and Maa Durga, I’ve seen romantic movies way better than this overrated trash. Haven’t you seen Titanic?
RL Journalist: But I heard you hate that movie………………..
Gurmeet Bhai: Only the final scene where Jack dies. Rest is fine, and way better than Kuch Kuch Hota Hai!
RL Journalist: But why Gurmeet Bhai?
Gurmeet Bhai: Tell me one thing, Rightlog.in is covering #MeToo cases, right?
RL Journalist: Yes, we’re going hammer and tongs on #MeToo cases.
Gurmeet Bhai: You see my son, if common sense and logic were real people, they could and they would’ve filed a legal case against the Dharma Productions, especially Karan Johar, for not only assaulting them, but also humiliating their very existence to the core. They would’ve even won the case hands down.
RL Journalist: I didn’t get it.
Gurmeet Bhai: Tell me one thing, in which universe does a girl leave Oxford University, for a sorry excuse of a college in India, where studies are as relevant as common sense is in JNU?
RL Journalist: I don’t know….
Gurmeet Bhai: In which movie do you see a wedding being delayed, just because a little girl wished so in her Namaz?
RL Journalist: In this movie, are you freaking serious?
Gurmeet Bhai: Yes, In this movie you fool! Where else do we have a summer camp, where anyone and everyone can freely enter and leave as per their mood? What movie do you think started the nonsense of tying friendship bands on Friendship Day in India?
RL Journalist: It started with this movie?
Gurmeet Bhai: Yes, with this movie. Also, where do you get to hear corny dialogues at the drop of a hat, like, ‘Love is friendship’, ‘We live once, die once, and even love once’ etc. ? Also, in which movie does a girl leave a nice guy for an overrated retard, who never cared for her feelings ever before, and came back, just because his wife is dead and now he wants someone else to be corny with?
RL Journalist: Okay, I’m getting it……..You think it’s overrated, right?
Gurmeet Bhai: Do you have any doubts about that?
RL Journalist: Yes, because I don’t understand why Kuch Kuch Hota Hai is overrated.
Gurmeet Bhai: Listen, take a large tray, okay?
Pre heat the Diwali oven.
Now add 1 kg. of cheesy Shah Rukh Khan, into it mix 500 g. of confused, over the top tomboy, Kajol, don’t forget to add 500 g. of sweet, imported Rani Mukherji. Mix them well with a jug of Karan Johar sweet sugary syrup and set the dough aside.
Take 200 g. of small Sana Saeeds. Add 2 tablespoons of super secular Farida Jala and Himani Shivpuri. Now pour some Parzan Dastur along with 2 drops of Johnny Lever. Mix them well. Toss a teaspoon of Anupam Kher and a pinch of Archana Puran Singh in it too.
Now mix this mixture with the dough previously mentioned and bake them to the temperature of overrated romance. Garnish it with crappy songs of Udit Narayan and Kumar Sanu [I hate to say this, but they actually sang that bad], and bingo! Your crappy cake of ‘Kuch Kuch Hota Hai’ is ready for release.
RL Journalist: If this movie was so bad, why did it win so many awards?
Gurmeet Bhai: Listen, there are useless people, then there are the good for nothings, and then there were our bored Indian public. We didn’t have the luxury of so many options back then. There was no YouTube, Amazon Prime or Netflix. No torrents either. They were forced, or rather conditioned to watch and cheer for such crap. Except for Salman Khan, who for one rare moment in his life actually did the right thing by letting go of Kajol (Now don’t say it was scripted!), none of the other actors deserved any awards at all.
The people who whine today that we are wasting money on Ram Mandir at Ayodhya instead of building more schools and hospitals, they are the same idiots who would say that Kuch Kuch Hota Hai was a classic on its anniversary. In fact, these people could influence the public back then, and wouldn’t suffer a beating on the lines of what the public gave them with ‘Parmanu’, so Kuch Kuch Hota Hai worked because of such people, get it?
RL Journalist: I understand. Thank you for opening my eyes. What should I watch now?
Gurmeet Bhai: Don’t ask me for opinions. Try it out yourself. Just one advice, don’t fall for glitz and glamor. Content counts.
RL Journalist: All right. Shall I book tickets for ‘Namaste England’?
Gurmeet Bhai: (losing his cool) Kahan gaya re mera chappal? (Where are my slippers?)
[The interview unfortunately had to end here, for matters related to personal safety of the RL journalist. Sorry.]