[DISCLAIMER: The views expressed herein by the author are completely related to Kunal Kamra and he intends to offend the sentiments of the folks who blindly follow such people without counting the flaws that are detrimental for both the person in question and the society. Nothing is fictional here, if anything, it is purely coincidental. Neither the author nor his words aim to talk sweet. Readers with an eye for truth can stay here; rest can leave without regret.]
With the new year, TFI Post has taken to a new beginning. After years of meddling with some honest and some not so honest reviews, our founder has brought back the ultra secular and pro-nationalist movie buff and film reviewer, Gurmeet Shankar Khan, who is still to come to terms that people like Kunal Kamra exist. Following a self-imposed exile, our TFIPost.com journalist, codenamed Panditji managed to trace him, gorging on a handful of samosas at a street food stall and extract his views on the strange obsession of Kunal Kamra with Arnab Goswami.
Panditji [with a visibly surprised look] – Hey Gurmeet Bhai, how are you?
Gurmeet [equally surprised] – Namaste, Sat Sri Akal, Adab and Shalom! Please don’t tell me that TFI Post wants to do a review of Street Dancer 3D!
Panditji – Arre nahin, TFI Post wishes to know your opinion on Kunal Kamra and his strange obsession with Arnab Goswami. He has recently threatened to leak the journalist’s number on his Twitter account.
Gurmeet – Hain? Ee Kunal kaun Topa Hai Bhai? [Who is this idiot called Kunal Kamra?]
Panditji – Don’t say that you know nothing.
Gurmeet – Nope. Tell me something about him.
Panditji – Imagine a man, whose face is so bad that you’ll be scared even in your dreams about it. Eyes that look like the ones of a crocodile, hairline resembling a half mowed lawn, a nose that looks like a squashed tomato, and when he smiles, even the creepiest human would look sane in front of him. That’s Kunal Kamra, who claims himself to be a comedian.
Gurmeet – Wait a minute, are you talking about the creep who is stalking Arnab Goswami?
Panditji [with a smirk] – To an extent, yes. Good morning by the way.
Gurmeet [Ignoring the jibe] – Oh Wahe Guru and Mahadev! How much more do I have to suffer?
[After a long Burp] This is a serious case of dangerous obsession. There are different types of lovers. Silent lovers, people who fall in love at first sight, Destructive Lovers, and the list goes on ad nauseam. But there is a breed of lovers who can simply not be defined in word. You know, the ‘Teri Naa mein Bhi Haan’ types. Kunal Kamra is that one deranged lover to be precise. I should’ve thought about it when he behaved like a creep on his return flight with Arnab.
Panditji – How come? Please enlighten.
Gurmeet – Listen Bandhu, when Kunal Kamra heckled Arnab onboard the Indigo flight, Arnab did what every sane man would: Ignore this lousy prick and carry on with his work. But he doesn’t improve, and what is this urge of debating with him? Where is he sitting, what he is doing, has he no etiquettes, Control…..Control Gurmeet Control!
Just look at this tweet, where he says, “Arnab Goswami was in my flight again this morning while returning from Lucknow… I again asked him politely if he wants to have an honest discussion he with his verbal arrogant hand jester he asked me to move away & I did that…” Is Kunal the Rahul Mehra from ‘Darr’ that he won’t give up following Arnab? I could almost imagine him singing ‘Tu Haan Kar Ya Na Kar, Tu Hai Mera Arnab’! Yuck! He even found his number and has been texting him there too.
Panditji [Grimacing at This Tweet] – That’s creepy as hell!
Gurmeet – Creepy? If I was there in place of Arnab, I would’ve whacked him black and blue. This is clear cut stalking; nothing more, nothing less. I wonder why Arnab did not slap an FIR on him. On top of all this, this buffoon has the audacity to sue Indigo for his nonsense, and demand 25 lakh rupees. What next? Prakash Raj suing Subramanian Swamy for roasting him on stage at a Times Now event? Or Ravan suing Pavanputra Hanuman for burning his Golden Lanka?
Panditji – Easy, Easy Gurmeet Bhai. But why do you think Kunal is being a creep?
Gurmeet [rolling his eyes] – Oh Dear! Don’t you know the 3 stages in the life of a jilted lover? The first is the point where the lover spots his / her target and says ‘That’s the One. My soul, my reason to live’. If the person rejects your advances, you console yourself by saying, ‘Teri Naa Mein Bhi Haan Hai’ [Your ‘no’ is still a ‘yes’ for me] For these, consent is nothing less than a joke. But when such jilted lovers are rejected time and again, this is when they decide, ‘Tu Meri Nahin to Kisi Ki Nahin!’ [If you cannot be mine, you cannot be with anyone else]
Panditji [being Thoughtful] – Is that why Kunal made that creepy tweet, threatening to reveal Arnab’s number?
Gurmeet – Do you doubt my claims Babua?
Panditji – No way, and I’m delighted that you’ve cleared some of my doubts. But why do people give attention to such desperadoes when they don’t deserve it?
Gurmeet – Look, son, there are good for nothings, then there are Azadi lovers from JNU and Jamia, and then come retards like this Kunal Kamra. When there was no Modi as PM, we didn’t have options, whether to like such people, or dislike them. They continue to have the support of people who still yearn to fix the members of the government as they used to. We were forced, or rather conditioned to watch and cheer for such crap. This is why such people, when devoid of the power that they used to enjoy, try to seek attention in the worst ways possible, which is why we have to bear people like Kunal Kamra.
Panditji [Closing his Pen] – That was quite insightful. I hope you won’t mind working for TFI Post again. Founder saab wants you back in your ultra secular avatar.
Gurmeet Bhai: Please thank him from my side. As I always say, content counts. Glad to know Sirji wants me back.
Panditji: Great. Shall I book tickets for Malang next week?
Gurmeet Bhai: (losing his cool) Topa ho kaa be?
[To be continued….]