“The sun here is bright and scorches everyone impartially – irrespective of their nationality, religion, race and colour. This is the place with equality” with a tranquility attained from the smell of fresh blood, the host spoke. Holding a small kid sucking his thumb, few daggers fixed to his belt, he sat on a sand dune leaning onto his camel with his Kalashnikov fixed in sand like a dried stump of a dead tree.
His interviewers, though tired from the long journey on the back of camels have forgot their travel lag on hearing his soothing voice that was disturbed by the desert wind.
They sat opposite to him leaning to their camels. They represent the eminence of Indian journalism that was famous for its secular, liberal and tolerant values. BD has opened her camera and started to record the interview.
NEW JIHADI JOHN: You can ask questions. Before the interview, I better inform you that the payment would depend on the number of words I use in replies. And, I prefer to give long and detailed replies. I’m just trying to play a good host and so, despite there is no rule in Shariat on who shall ask the first question, keeping your tradition in mind, one of you ladies may ask the first question.
BARKHA DUTT: Can you give a brief about you?
NEW JIHADI JOHN: You do mean the brief that I has ON me?
BARKHA DUTT: No, Sir. I rephrase the question. Please tell your story in your own words.
NEW JIHADI JOHN: Yep. I like the way you rephrase your questions. To start with, in your lingo, I am a PIO. Was brought up in a regular Hindu family.
RAJDEEPSARDESAI: Why did you convert to Islam? Even BD didn’t convert, though she is a devout one.
NEW JIHADI JOHN: Mashallah, how come you are so ignorant, coming from the land that houses the monument of love. Hmm… there was this girl I was madly in love with. All I could see were toes and finger nails. Still, I loved her. May be love is blind. I was so fascinated with her toes, I didn’t sleep for months imagining her face. Finally I decided to marry her. Her parents wanted me to convert. So, to make her lift the veil and show her face, I had to convert. But, it is worth it.
SAGARIKA GHOSE: But, we have many people in India, who converted to Islam even when the lover is a Hindu. But, they didn’t become fidayeen. How come you became one?
NEW JIHADI JOHN: My knowledge of Hindi and Urdu was poor and my in-laws told me ‘Jo biwi pe fida hain – wahi fidayeen hain’. So, I became one. Only after some years I realised that fidayeen means booby-trapped men meant for sacrifice.
ARNAB GOSWAMI: The nation wants to know who was your inspiration to become the Jihadi John II?
NEW JIHADI JOHN: I liked Sholay very much and Amjad Bhai in Sholay as Gabbar Singh, was marvellous. The way he walked with unkempt beard and the way he shoots… Oh! How I love to be like that.
ARNAB GOSWAMI: But, in real life, Amjad Khan was a soft, gentle man. He would never behave like Gabbar Singh.
NEW JIHADI JOHN: So what? Once I became fidayeen, I realised the sadistic nature that was sleeping inside me. In fact, it was your Vajpayee, who lamented that there was no Indian contribution to the good cause of Jihad. So, I tried to fulfil his wish.
RAJDEEPSARDESAI: But, he didn’t mean that way. He was proud that no Indian Muslim was in the gangs controlled by Osama and others.
NEW JIHADI JOHN: Oh, really. You should have told me this a decade back. Now, it is too late. And me loving this new promotion to be the Jihadi John, I don’t want the clock to turn back.
BARKHA DUTT: You cut jokes well
NEW JIHADI JOHN: I cut throats even well. Want to see?
SAGARIKA GHOSE: I heard you were rechristened ‘Abu Rumasayah’. What does it exactly mean?
JJI: First, let me correct you. It was not re-christening. Don’t use that word in my context. When my mother-in-law told me to choose an Arabic name, I wondered. In fact, she was my first mother-in-law, and she wanted me to be a fidayeen. I know what the world think of us fidayeen – “killing people in the name of a religion that stands for peace”. It is a good joke, isn’t it?
So, I played the joke on my MIL. I simply reversed ‘hasyam’ of hindi that means humour and added one Abu and Ru. It is actually Abu and reverse of ‘hasyam ur’ or father of ‘yours funnily’. How do you like the idea? Sweet revenge on MIL. Later on I heard there really was some meaning to the name.
SAGARIKA GHOSE: Why you left England and came to Syria?
NEW JIHADI JOHN: I liked the dialogue of Munnabhai – ‘Mujhe andar nahi kar sakte toh, bahar kya karenge?” When the court bailed me out, keeping my passport, I pitied them. I wanted to teach those liberals a lesson. I, the true citizen of Caliphate don’t need a passport to travel across nations. Only to prove this point I came to Syria. And then, here people like the way I chop vegetables and soon, when there is a vacancy, I became Jihadi John II.
BARKHA DUTT: So, now you became famous across the world as the new Jihadi John, what are your future plans?
NEW JIHADI JOHN: Plans!! My foot. No plans. I believe in simple living. Daily, if god willing, I get few people to cut throats – that’s all I want.
RAJDEEPSARDESAI: Do you believe in the Jihad and getting seven virgins, after becoming martyr?
NEW JIHADI JOHN (Laughing): Good question! After all, it takes a man to understand the other. I believe and I believe not. I believe in getting virgins, but not after martyrdom. Come and join ISIS. You get as many virgins you want. If you are interested, you may contact our recruiting officer. I will put a word for you.
SAGARIKA GHOSE: Oh no! In Kashmir, Asiya Andrabi talks about Shariat and Caliphate in so beautiful terms. But, you present a picture of sex slaves under the rule of ISIS in the name of Shariat. What do you expect her reaction would be, when she knows the truth?
NEW JIHADI JOHN: Nothing. If she believes in Jihad, the way we believe, she understands whatever is being done is for the good cause. And, we like to take over Kashmir, after we conquered Europe.
BARKHA DUTT: What do you do after you conquer Europe?
NEW JIHADI JOHN: We will transform Europe into a Pakistan.
BARKHA DUTT: How?
NEW JIHADI JOHN: You may use my old quotation – “When we descend on the streets of London, Paris and Washington the taste will be far bitterer, because not only will we spill your blood, but we will also demolish your statues, erase your history and, most painfully, convert your children who will then go on to champion our name and curse their forefathers.”
RAJDEEPSARDESAI: What Pakistan has to do with this?
NEW JIHADI JOHN: Don’t you know? They ape all Arab customs and curse their forefathers, who founded one of the greatest civilisations on this earth – few thousand years ago.
BARKHA DUTT: But…
Cell phone of Jihadi John II buzzes. He looks at it and says
NEW JIHADI JOHN: Time’s up. I was called on duty. Seems I need to cut few more throats. You can come to witness, if you are a psycho like me.