This morning as I logged into my microblogging site account, I expected the top trend to be ‘Happy International Men’s Day’. But no. There was a no mention of the same. And even when the trend did pick up, there were lesser tweets from Indian accounts. In fact, a friend had tweeted that every day is actually ‘men’s day’. This is the biggest lie we tell ourselves. Every day is not men’s day. The ‘every day’ might belong to the handful of men that operate at centres of power. But for the average man, the struggles are the same as that of an average woman.
Now we hear a lot about the celebration of womanhood. But what about going a bit off mainstream and celebrating men? On women’s day, we have discounts on clothing and jewellery, even insurance schemes and bonds and pink hearts and roses all over the town. Okay. Men might have different interests and pink hearts are not their kinds. But where is the recognition?
Even as I write my mind goes back to a ghastly incident that happened in the suburbs of Kolkata a couple of days back. A forty-year-old man had dared to board a women’s special train. And his fate was death. He was pushed out of the moving train by the women passengers. And this is not the first incident. But where was the anger, the outrage or even the emotional outburst? Where was the call of gender equality? What makes us women so insecure that we cannot give a slice of space in a train compartment? To say he was a potential threat to the modesty of women is a joke. And this incident is not one of a kind.
What started as a battle for seeking equality for women has lost its plot at least specifically in the Indian context. The gender equality is in such a mess in India that in order to make it straight, we often end up shifting the blame on men. Patriarchy and misogyny become loosely used words but if we scratch beyond the layer there is oppression of men and misandry too.
The stereotyping of men today has reached to a laughable level, which sometimes looks scary. Society oppresses both men and women intelligently. For women, there is religion and tradition that are used as an effective tool of oppression. For men, however, there is an image of protector or provider, a pampering of egos that ultimate work in shackling them. Open a random Sunday matrimonial page and we have men looking for fair women, and women looking for men with hefty bank balance.
Even though it is 2015 and we talk about equality, it is an unwritten rule that a woman with a basic education degree or none of it can aspire for a man who is successful and financially secure. And it is not always that the woman is not allowed to pursue a career. Now it there is nothing wrong in opting for homemaking. The sanctity of relationships out of balance is the unrealistic demands for a better life. Sometimes a bigger house or an expensive piece of jewellery, just because that is what takes to be recognized in society.
This is cruelty that the society throws at men. A man slaves at work and fights an inner battle to cope up with the targets the society sets for men. And even when some relationships, unfortunately, fall apart, the man is bogged down with alimony or high maintenance deals. One can perfectly understand that a woman who has no financial independence needs alimony. One can also understand that a man needs to provide child support. But why would a man need a monetary settlement if the woman is earning sufficiently and is perfectly adept in meeting the challenges of the world? Celebrity divorces have different equations, but even men from middle-class households have had to shell out large amounts of money.
Even today, it is perfectly okay for a woman to share a drink with a man and for a man to pick up the cheque. Being a woman, I see lot of women
One doesn’t need to be a ‘meninist’ to talk about men’s rights. If a married male is killing himself every 9 minutes, taking the toll to 64,000 every year, we have every reason to worry and get more vocal about the flaws in dowry and domestic violence laws. This year as we celebrated Woman’s day, a mother in a little town in UP, cried inconsolably. The day has no meaning to her. Her son Avadhesh Yadav, killed himself on 25th February 2015. A victim of a false dowry case, the man couldn’t take the pressure anymore. While dowry demands or dowry deaths haven’t come down, broken homes, scared parents and suicidal men cannot get a better society for us.
Men’s suicide is a scary global phenomenon and the silence is even scarier. A life is a life. Be it a man or a woman.
Why make a law that throws logic out of the table? The controversial 498a has caused enough damage. And look at the shame. A law made for women in need hasn’t even reached them. And women that do not need them have used it for their benefit.
The deafening silence on issues of male child sex abuse and abuse in shelter homes speaks volumes on how much is needed to be worked on in the area. It took a Bollywood actor to get people to talk about the abuse of the male child and then we started seeing posts about that kind of abuse on social media. A male child is equally fragile. Then why are we silent? What makes us look away? He might not have a hymen, but he does have a little heart that gets scarred for life.
As we talk about ‘honour, we almost by default associate it to the honour of women’. But is it gender specific? A female teacher forced her 14-year-old student to pleasure her physically and filmed the act. Needless to say, blackmail followed. Not all men are comfortable stripping. As we overlook the exploitation of men’s bodies, somewhere in some corner of India a man is stripped and paraded naked for having an extra-marital affair. Or a woman beats her husband to death for a liaison. A blink and miss report in the newspaper follows and we move on. How does a male victim’s pain and anguish differ from a woman?
Lust, for example, is mainstreamed as a man thing. Objectification of women to satisfy the male gaze is much talked about. But come on. Lust is not male specific. The men that strip on cinema or TV do it for the benefit of women. Probably men pursue women much more than women do, but women do it and not all men enjoy it. Stereotyping men are the worst thing that could happen to the women’s movement.
Fairness creams, need to get a perfect body, sexual harassment at workplace, domestic violence, and rape is issues faced by men too. The naive debate that some ‘feminists’ put up is ‘if there are 10 cases, only 1 would be a man.’ If it is about equality we cannot overlook even that ‘1 man.’
Also at the micro level, that is the family, at most times it is the woman who forces diktats on the younger women. The propriety of clothing or segregation during menstruation, observing fasts and rituals is at most times done by older women. Look at cases of bride burning. At most times, there is a woman relative who takes a prominent role in the crime. Why blame men? Blame society. Sensitize both men and women.
Since it is International Men’s Day, let us get together and show some love to men. Life would be indeed boring without them. There is the father, brother, friend, colleague, husband or lover that makes us smile or doesn’t think twice before compromising his or their safety for us. The rickshaw-wallah or driver that makes sure we reach work on time or the apartment caretaker who could brave a waterlogged street to get a packet of noodle or coffee or that much-needed aspirin deserves that one day a year when he is celebrated. Or the men who guard our borders without complaint. It is not about celebrating masculinity. It is celebrating the other half. Not every man is a marauder. A rapist cannot define men. A chauvinist cannot define men.
The image of the Indian man has probably been painted in fifty shades of slander. Today, I take this opportunity to wish the ‘good’ men out there, the men that wish to walk hand in hand, and not go ahead or follow. For all the little memories and emotions that the other half add to our lives, I thank men. You deserve more pomp and grandeur on your special day. Cheers!
Cover Image Courtesy: lightgalleries.net